Alesha's parents left on Monday afternoon. It was not an easy parting for either party... but there was a necessity to it. Until they left, Alesha and I had spent a whopping afternoon (as in a SINGLE afternoon) alone with Aurora. Her parents arrived about 12 hours after we came home from the hospital and they were here for 15 days. I was glad to have them here in the house (even though there are difficulties that come with sharing your living space with your parents for such a long period of time) but I was also very curious as to what life was going to be like without them. I have had 72 hours to find out and...
It's been odd. I feel like Alesha and I have finally moved into parenthood. There is no one looking over our shoulder. There is no one to ask for advice. It's us. Period. When her parents were here, I felt brave and unconcerned about anything... now I suddenly find myself unsure about lots of things... exhausted... and wondering what it means to be a good parent to an infant. I'm gone all day and I come home. Should I hold her all night? I have tried... she's been VERY fussy the last several evenings during the majority of our time home. That has lead to frustration (which feels wrong somehow) with her and with myself. I imagined holding her and being able to go about my evening with her in tow. HA! She wants attention and demands a great deal of it. Her overflow of personality has exhausted me each night and has lead to me needing to set her down or hand her off to mom. Again, this makes me feel guilty and a bit upset because it feels like I can't hack it as a dad. Whether that is true or not, I hate the feeling. I finally decided tonight that I needed a break and I put her in her swing. I can't take my eyes off her as she rocks back and forth. She is loving it.
One of the most amazing parts of this journey has been my wife. She's a mom and not just any mom, she is AURORA's mom. It gives me a great sense of pride to see my wife hold her and to see Aurora respond to her. I do feel the slightest twinge of jealousy in that response, but the truth is that parenthood is a journey for two and each of us have roles to play. In this stage of her life, Aurora needs her mom for the basics (including food). I think, in the end, it all just ties back into the basic fear of not being a good father and that is something that I desperately want to be.
I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I feel like I need some time and space to find my bearings... and I'd like to watch some movies/tv/something. Speaking of which:
I hit the Westerville Public Library up yesterday and snagged the entire second season of MI-5. I think Alesha and I might delve into that in a bit. Also, I've been fighting the temptation to go pick up the Crimson Tide: Extended Edition DVD. I also said that I would buy it when it came out in some sort of "collector's edition" DVD AND they have it for $10... but I have decided to snag it from Blockbuster Online so I can save the cash. Who wants to bet I end up going and buying it anyway? Geez... Should you bet against yourself?
I'm off! Have a good night/day/whatever my friends!
O.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
The swing is not the swing of neglect. It is the swing of freedom.
They love it. You love it. I think that means God loves it, but I am not quite as sure on that one.
There is no rule book that says you must hold her all night. Love her? Yes. Care about her? Yes. Be responsible for her? Yes.
I would say you have all the yeses covered and this post makes me think you are already the coolest dad Aurora could have. I know you probably didn't need the affirmation or corny comments, but I felt drawn, as an expert father of 13 months who has experience and still experiences the same guilt at times. Peace Papa.
Post a Comment